20 ways being sleep deprived is the same as being drunk

Since I had my daughter 2+ years ago, I’ve been thinking about how lack of sleep and excess alcohol consumption are basically the same. These are some comparisons I came up with.

1. Fuckwit drunk (I really want to run marathons and show my kids the meaning of fitness)

2. Self hating drunk (please, I can’t even brush my hair without needing a nap)

3. Horny drunk (let’s do it BUT QUICK BEFORE THE BABY WAKES nope I’m over it get off me)

4. Bad decisions drunk (let’s paint the kitchen!)

5. Regretful drunk (oh god, why did we start painting the fucking kitchen??)

6. Irresponsible drunk (I should probably supervise the toddler but Play School is on and there’s a block of chocolate I don’t want to share)

7. Drunk online shopping (the kids definitely needed these aviators)

image

Still don't regret it

8. Shit talking drunk (do you think people WANT to be on Play School or do these people just have bills?)

9. Picking fights (online)

10. Irrational  (WHAT IF I NEVER SLEEP)

11. Angry drunk  (keep crying. I know how to get the fly wire off the window and I can make it look like an accident)

12. Back to weepy (OH GOD WHY WOULD I THINK THAT)

13. Dirty drunk (I can’t remember the last time I showered and my standards have lowered to the point where a baby wipe sponge bath is totally acceptable)

14. Hungry drunk (I’m going to eat this entire tin of Milo and you can’t stop me.)

15. Dizzy drunk (sometimes I’m scared to go down the stairs alone)

16. Back to irrational  (BECAUSE THE TODDLER WOULD TURN INTO DEXTER IF SHE SAW ME DIE)

17. Too drunk to drive  (seriously. Mums of newborns must cause at least 80% of accidents. We need special plates)

18. Too drunk to care (honestly, if McDonald’s was so bad for us, they wouldn’t sell it)

19 Too drunk for conversations  (unless it revolves around how sexy the purple Wiggle is.)

20. Forgetful drunk  (shit, is the toddler wearing a nappy? FUCKING NOPE APPARENTLY)

So these are the ones I can come up with. The results might be skewed because I’m often sleep deprived and drunk. Did I miss any?

posted on the go; ignore mistakes

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