Honest Roadtest: Water Balloons

What the fuck are these?

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I know what you’re thinking. You think they’re water balloons. You’re wrong. Water balloons are fun! Aren’t they?? I remember having fun with water balloons… What’s changed?

I’ll tell you what. Two decades and a drought have changed fucking everything about water balloons.

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How do you fill these fucking things up? Putting them on a tap seems to be getting iffy results. I think I got about 8 balloons? I was doing this shit for a good half hour?? I ended up having to put the baby on my back because he was getting pissy about my neglect.

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So needy. Where's my eyebrows?

In the end, it wasn’t even very fun. They didn’t even pop. Although that might have been my reluctance to throw them. They’re  the precious fruits of my finger loins (?)

I ended up putting some soap in there with and let Eliza play with her new elastic brothers and sisters.

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GENTLE

She was only occupied for 15 minutes before Play School became more interesting. That’s less than the fucking cloud dough.

1/5 would not recommend unless I’m not seeing that person ever again.

posted on the go; ignore mistakes

20 ways being sleep deprived is the same as being drunk

Since I had my daughter 2+ years ago, I’ve been thinking about how lack of sleep and excess alcohol consumption are basically the same. These are some comparisons I came up with.

1. Fuckwit drunk (I really want to run marathons and show my kids the meaning of fitness)

2. Self hating drunk (please, I can’t even brush my hair without needing a nap)

3. Horny drunk (let’s do it BUT QUICK BEFORE THE BABY WAKES nope I’m over it get off me)

4. Bad decisions drunk (let’s paint the kitchen!)

5. Regretful drunk (oh god, why did we start painting the fucking kitchen??)

6. Irresponsible drunk (I should probably supervise the toddler but Play School is on and there’s a block of chocolate I don’t want to share)

7. Drunk online shopping (the kids definitely needed these aviators)

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Still don't regret it

8. Shit talking drunk (do you think people WANT to be on Play School or do these people just have bills?)

9. Picking fights (online)

10. Irrational  (WHAT IF I NEVER SLEEP)

11. Angry drunk  (keep crying. I know how to get the fly wire off the window and I can make it look like an accident)

12. Back to weepy (OH GOD WHY WOULD I THINK THAT)

13. Dirty drunk (I can’t remember the last time I showered and my standards have lowered to the point where a baby wipe sponge bath is totally acceptable)

14. Hungry drunk (I’m going to eat this entire tin of Milo and you can’t stop me.)

15. Dizzy drunk (sometimes I’m scared to go down the stairs alone)

16. Back to irrational  (BECAUSE THE TODDLER WOULD TURN INTO DEXTER IF SHE SAW ME DIE)

17. Too drunk to drive  (seriously. Mums of newborns must cause at least 80% of accidents. We need special plates)

18. Too drunk to care (honestly, if McDonald’s was so bad for us, they wouldn’t sell it)

19 Too drunk for conversations  (unless it revolves around how sexy the purple Wiggle is.)

20. Forgetful drunk  (shit, is the toddler wearing a nappy? FUCKING NOPE APPARENTLY)

So these are the ones I can come up with. The results might be skewed because I’m often sleep deprived and drunk. Did I miss any?

posted on the go; ignore mistakes

I Have A Joke

What’s pink and blue and sore all over?

My nipples.

This morning at around 2am I was yelling at Hamish. I was told that if you yell at them it scares them and they stop biting. Not this psycho. To be fair, it must be pretty funny to hear your mum simultaneously trying to scold you without engaging with you enough to wake you up. Fucking paradox. Hilarious.

This morning at 5am I was smacking a baby. Through a blanket and a nappy  and it was half hearted, so I honestly don’t even feel bad. I feel like I might have had an emotional breakdown if he  was my first but I don’t care. I don’t know what my plan was exactly. I think I just wanted to shock him out of the death grip he had on my well used nipples. Maybe give him a taste of his own abusive medicine. He liked it. You’d think I’d said something real funny. Maybe I did. Maybe “oh, my god, Hamish. Fucking stop.” Is the funniest thing there is?

This morning at 6am I was seriously thinking about punching a 5 month old. In the face. I wanted to punch a baby. In the face. It was a real thought that went into my head. I’d like to say I stopped thinking it immediately but I’d be lying. I wanted to punch his little button nose for a good 10 minutes.

I’ve heard old people suggest flicking their nose and I wanted to go one better to ensure this shit stops immediately.

I stopped thinking it when I told my husband and he laughed. The cackling of reason. The chuckle of no lady.

So without physical or emotional violence I’m stuck with the option of weaning and I honestly don’t have the energy. Mouth guard? Nipple guard? Send him off to be raised with the wolves where he clearly belongs because he is a vicious fucking creature?

All viable options to be considered as my caffeine consumption accumulates through the day. I’ll let you know.

posted on the go; ignore mistakes